Lost...In China

我结果的我的经验懂我不可以等别人的帮忙，我自己得帮助我。(As a result of my experience, I came to realize that I couldn’t simply wait around for help in life, but had to help myself and take action into my own hands.)

It was 10 p.m., 4/15/13, in the city of 苏州, 中国 (Suzhou, China), that I had the single most impactful experience of my life so far. I belonged in a group of students and teachers for this study tour across southeastern China. On this particular night, my touring group and I sought out an ATM. When I entered, I lost track of time, and expected my friends and teachers to wait for me…but when I did eventually exit, I found that I had been left behind.

             The emotions coursed through my body in rapid succession. First, shock, that I was alone. Then fear seized my body, as I realized I was lost in the middle of a foreign city without a working phone and with no way to contact anybody else. Pitiful helplessness then overcame my mind as I realized there was nothing in my power. And lastly, almost absurdly, came assuredness—my mind relaxed into blank certainty that one way or another I would be found relatively soon and all I had to do was sit there outside the small little ATM in a derelict car park…and wait.

It was nearly 30 minutes, before in a minute of lucidity, my mind once again operated and realized that there was no help coming. The exuberant little voice in my hand that yelled that all would be fine stopped for a second, and was overwhelmed by the louder voice of panic. “There is no help coming, nor will there be any help coming. There is absolutely no way for anyone to know that you are lost, and you may as well sit here for the next 48 hours.” The absent-minded, almost childish voice, finally faded away, and I was consciously drawn away from my absent-minded ideas of imaginary help.

But the replacing emotion was almost equally deleterious for panic and fear pumped through my body, freezing up my mind and stagnating any proper thought process. I felt paralyzed, sitting there, with adrenaline coursing through my veins, with insufferable inaction agitating myself as I had no available options in hand.

Finally a calming voice entered my head to squelch the alarm and terror that had reigned over me. But this voice that brought help was innately unrecognizable and yet all so familiar. “你为什么怕了？对什么怕了？问题在哪儿？你是在中国，还有你可能说中文。 (Why are you afraid? Of what are you afraid of? Where is the problem? You’re in China and you can speak Chinese. )” The voice was indisputably myself, but such seizure of control over the crisis by myself was simply unfathomable. Sensing my hesitation, it rang once more, “你为什么还等? (Why are you still waiting?)”. Deciding to take a leap of faith in myself, I decided that no help was coming to save me, and so I decided to take the matters into my own hands. After all, it wasn’t someone else’s life, but my own, and my sub-conscious, which weirdly was now in Chinese, had thrust it into my own life.

I stood up with confidence, leaving behind that seat of self-pity and absent-minded hope in that derelict space, and walked into a store in the vicinity. I asked the shopkeeper, “您好。您知道旅馆是在那人？我是学生可是我的老师拉我，哈哈，所以我要回来。（Hello. Do you know where the hotel is? I’m a student but my teacher left me behind, haha, so I wish to return.）”. They happily gave me directions down the road, and after another two conversations with other shopkeepers I managed to return to my friends and teachers after about 2 hours on my own.

When I got back, I found out my absence had not gone noticed. No one would have noticed my separation until the next morning. But I surprisingly did not find this astonishing, but only expected. How could I ever expect anyone else to be looking out for me? The only person obligated to ever help me was myself, and I had an obligation to take care of myself to the best of my ability. Had I not been thrust my own life in those circumstances, I may very well have sat there in absent-minded self-pity waiting for help ceaselessly until morning.

Whether it was in a particular situation or just in general life, my life was in no one else’s hands but mine. And though help is always welcome, in the end of the day I have to lead my own life… now it is unthinkable to me that there may have been a time that I expected, even took for granted, external control of my own life. And I owe it to those harsh circumstances to force myself to finally stand up and take matters into my own hands, not for those few hours, but for the rest of my life.   

我结果的我的经验懂我不可以等别人的帮忙，我自己得帮助我。(As a result of my experience, I came to realize that I couldn’t simply wait around for help in life, but had to help myself and take action into my own hands.)